What Echoes Render Read online

  “I guess we should be grateful for that.” He didn’t sound so sure. “How are things going with the boys this week?”

  Jesse was glad for the change of subject, she was kind of done thinking about herself and the situation for a while. She still had her plan, but as for the rest, well, it was definitely more fun to talk about all the graduation and end-of-year activities going on. And so they did, for the next fifteen minutes or so. And when they hung up, it seemed natural, though unspoken, to assume they’d talk again soon.

  “Mom?” James poked his head around the door. For a split second, a feeling of being caught doing something she shouldn’t have been doing paralyzed her. But then she realized James probably hadn’t heard anything, and, even if he had, she hadn’t been doing anything wrong. She hoped.

  “Yeah?”

  “I heard you talking, is everything okay?” His eyes darted to her clock. After Mark had died, phone calls at odd hours had taken on a whole new meaning.

  “Everything is fine. It was just a friend calling to check in,” she reassured him.

  “How are you feeling?” James asked as he came in and stretched himself across the foot of her bed.

  “Better. My neck is still a little sore, but I’m better every day. How are things going with you? Are you ready for your test tomorrow?”

  He nodded. Her youngest had something on his mind but she knew better than to ask. Unlike when talking to Matt, with James she often just had to keep him talking and whatever was on his mind would eventually come out.

  “Do you have everything for your week in Boston?” she asked.

  Again he nodded.

  “Tell me about the track meet. You gave me the stats, but did you have fun?” She knew they’d had a blast, but she was trying to get him to start talking. And it worked. For the next few minutes they talked about the meet—about who did what, where they ate their meals, who was dating whom, and who was taking advantage of the time away from parents. There had been chaperones, but not one per kid.

  “Do you miss Dad?” James suddenly asked. The question didn’t come entirely out of left field; she knew James had wanted to talk about something. But coming right at the end of a story about Callie Laidlaw tripping and taking a header just before the finish line, it caught Jesse off guard.

  She blinked. “Yes.”

  “Were you guys happy? I mean, you seemed happy, but I’m a kid. Were you really happy?”

  Jesse bit her lip. The question was so like James. Her younger son was someone who gave a lot of thought to a lot of things. He’d probably been mulling this question over for a while. Maybe not even consciously at first, but he’d grown up a lot in the past two years.

  “We were happy. We married young and had our ups and downs, but every marriage does. We built a good life together,” she answered.

  He looked at her like he knew she wasn’t telling him everything.

  “Do you miss him?” she asked, turning the tables.

  He nodded. “Yeah, I do. It’s weird because it’s not like we spent a ton of time together. I mean I love him and he was a good dad, but because we kind of liked the same things, you would have thought we would have spent more time together. So I miss him. But then sometimes I wonder what I’m missing. I don’t know if that even makes sense.”

  She studied James, who was picking at a loose thread on her duvet. “It makes sense. Your dad was busy a lot. He took on a lot when we married—kids, my college and then grad school, the house. I think he just got in the habit of making sure everyone had what they needed to get through the day and then his job was mostly done. Because, for a long time, that was a feat in and of itself. But he is still your dad and there’s a lot in your life that he’s not going to be a part of now that he’s gone. Even if he would have only been there in the shadows, so to speak, he was always going to be there. And that’s gone now so, yes, what you said does make sense.”

  James’s eyes darted to hers then back to the duvet. A few beats passed before he spoke again. “It’s like I sometimes feel like I miss him more for what he could have been than for what he actually was, and it makes me feel kind of mean. Maybe a little ungrateful for all he did do for us.”

  “I can’t tell you how you should or shouldn’t feel, but I can tell you that he loved you boys very much, and maybe more importantly, he knew you loved him too.”

  James picked at the thread for several more minutes before speaking again. “He was a good man, wasn’t he, Mom? I only know him as my dad, and now that he’s gone, no one is ever going to tell us otherwise. But was he really, Mom? A good person?”

  Jesse didn’t want to think about how she should answer, so instead she asked, “Is someone telling you something else?”

  James shook his head. “No, it’s just that sometimes people aren’t who you think they are. Most of the time, we get the chance to figure that out, but I can’t do that with Dad.”

  She frowned. There was obviously more to this than what he was saying. “Do you have someone in mind when you say that?”

  James dipped his head to the side. “Did you know that Chelsea’s parents are separating?”

  No, she didn’t know that. She shook her head.

  “Turns out that her mom has a big gambling problem,” James said.

  “I had no idea.” And she hadn’t, the news came as a complete surprise to her. Chelsea’s mom was one of those PTSA power moms with close ties to the community. She was a good woman who’d done a lot of good things for both the school and the town.

  “Yeah, turns out Chelsea didn’t know either, until her parents told her last night that they’re separating and her mom is going into a treatment center.”

  Jesse let out a deep breath, feeling for the girl. “I’m sorry to hear that. How is Chelsea?”

  “She’s pretty messed up. Trying to hold it together, but it’s hard. It’s just, well, it just made me wonder if there were things we didn’t know about Dad.”

  There were, but she wasn’t about to tell him. There was no need since it wasn’t anything that would affect them, not the way Chelsea was being affected now.

  “No,” she shook her head. “Not things like that. He had his faults, we all do, and I don’t want you to think he was perfect because he wasn’t. But he was a good man.”

  James studied her face for a long moment before giving her a small smile. “Thanks, Mom. I know it was kind of crazy—”

  “There’s nothing crazy about wanting to know or talk about your dad,” she cut him off. “That’s the other thing I don’t want to happen; I don’t want us to avoid talking about him when maybe we might need to.”

  James hesitated for a moment, then asked, “Does it bother you?”

  “To talk about him? No,” she said, shaking her head. “I don’t know that I’d want to talk about him all the time, because we do need to move forward, but I like talking about him with you boys, remembering the good times. And maybe some of the not-so-good times, too. Answering your questions. You each would have had a different relationship with him than I did, but since you won’t be able to know him as adults, I want you guys to feel like you can ask me about him.”

  “And you’ll be honest?” He was sort of teasing her, she knew. But she also knew it was a small test.

  “To the extent that I can. My perception of your father is just that. Mine. I have my own filters. I see him and my relationship with him through those filters. I can tell you my perceptions. As to whether or not it’s the truth,” she shrugged.

  After a beat, James gave her another small smile. “Thanks, Mom. I guess I should hit the hay now.”

  She nodded. “You do have a test tomorrow.”

  “Biology, Mom. Piece of cake,” he said as he stood up.

  “Good, then I’ll expect an A.”

  He paused at the door and shot her a cocky look that reminded her of Mark from all those years ago. “At least an A, Mom.”

  Jesse laughed softly as her son made his way up the stairs
to bed. He and Mark hadn’t always had the easiest of relationships. Love between them wasn’t the problem, but their personalities hadn’t always meshed. She was glad James had come to her to talk about his dad and she hoped she’d said and done the right things. But then again, as a parent, it seemed like she was always hoping she’d said and done the right things—it was par for the course.

  CHAPTER 12

  “HE’S HE-ERE,” ABIGAIL SAID in a singsongy voice when Jesse answered her office phone.

  “What?” Jesse asked. It was the Monday after graduation and between the graduation events and parties, sending the boys off to Boston and New Jersey, and trying to keep up with work, she felt like she could barely keep her head on straight. Let alone try to follow her friend’s line of thought.

  “David Hathaway. You know, the arson investigator,” Abigail said.

  Feeling stretched almost to her limit with everything going on, Jesse almost snapped that she knew very well who David Hathaway was. But then she remembered that, as far as most of her friends were concerned, she’d only seen him a few times and always on work-related business. They didn’t know that she’d spoken with him every night this past week except the nights that he’d been at work.

  Then Abigail’s words sank in. He was here. At Riverside. She looked at her calendar and remembered that he was off shift as of last night. They’d talked as he’d driven home, but work hadn’t come up. She wondered if she’d forgotten, if he’d said something about wanting to come by. But nothing came to mind. Which, to her, meant he was likely there to see Aaron, who was going home in two days.

  “And?” Jesse prompted.

  “And don’t play sly with me. He couldn’t take his eyes off you, Jesse. You might want to consider asking him out. Or something,” Abigail added, leaving no doubt as to what “or something” could be.

  She sighed. “This isn’t a conversation I want to have right now, Abigail. Or ever, for that matter. I’m knee-deep in budgets, Ian is still looking for someone who might be intent on hurting me, and my firstborn just graduated from high school. I have a lot on my mind. I don’t need to complicate things by dating anyone.” Which was exactly why she was keeping her phone conversations with David to herself.

  “Is it because of Mark?” Abigail asked, her voice softening.

  “Because of, what? No.” Jesse insisted, then took a deep breath and forced herself to calm down. She knew Abigail was only trying to be a good friend, encouraging her to explore options and all that, but this was exactly what she’d been trying to avoid. She just didn’t have time for conversations like this. And all those that would follow if she started dating someone and her friends got wind of it.

  She glanced up and her gaze caught on a picture of the boys. She also wasn’t sure how she would cross that bridge when or if she came to it. She didn’t think her boys would begrudge her dating someone, but she wasn’t altogether certain they were ready for it right now.

  “Look, Abigail. Thanks for being such a good friend, and no, it’s not because of Mark that I’m not interested in dating,” she began, in a much calmer voice. “I still miss him, yes, and the kids do, too. But I know he’s not coming back and I have moved on. The fact of the matter is, I don’t have the time or energy to date anyone. It’s just too much work right now, Abigail. I know that sounds like a cop out, like I’m avoiding intimacy. But it’s not that. I just know myself and know that I don’t have what’s needed to put into that kind of relationship right now.”

  Her friend was silent for a long moment, then Jesse heard Abigail take a deep breath and let it out. “We just want you to be happy, Jesse. All of us do. And we know you and Mark had a good relationship and nothing will replace that, but you might find the companionship comforting is all. But I hear you, and while I will promise to try my best not to get too excited when I see someone interested in you, I can’t promise to keep my mouth shut all the time.”

  Jesse smiled, at a lot of things. She wasn’t all that interested in comfort when it came to David. And she knew her friend well enough to know that she’d be lucky if Abigail limited herself to loaded and meaningful looks. But she’d take what she could get.

  “Thank you, I appreciate that. And if or when I’m open to dating again, I’ll let you know so that you can parade a stable full of eligible men in front of me.” It was a peace offering that both women knew would never happen. Not only would she not be interested in a stable full of eligible men, Abigail, as a married woman whose friends were mostly married, didn’t actually know very many single men.

  Abigail chuckled. “If I knew a stable full of such men, I think I might be more interested in parading them in front of me.”

  Jesse laughed and the two women hung up. But no sooner had she set the phone down than Vivi called to give her the same news. In the hospital for some routine work, Vivi had run across David talking to one of the charge nurses. More prepared this time around, she had almost the exact same conversation with Vivi as she’d just had with Abigail, only she suspected Vivi picked up that there was more to the story than Jesse was letting on. Thankfully, if that was the case, Vivi was also a good enough friend not to probe too much.

  Knowing those calls were out of the way and no one else was likely to call for the same reason, she went back to her work. In addition to finishing the budget, she had to start on the next newsletter so she got busy brainstorming some article ideas.

  An hour later, a knock sounded at her door. She didn’t need x-ray vision to know who it was. She beckoned David in, and when he stepped through the door, she was struck, again, by how attractive he was. She hadn’t seen him in over a week and hadn’t realized just how good he would look to her after all that time. And judging by the way he was taking her in with his deep-brown eyes, she’d bet he felt the same way.

  They stared at each other for several long moments until David cleared his throat and moved into the room. He checked to make sure the door had closed behind him before he sat down across from her. It wasn’t exactly where she wanted him, but it was probably the best place for him.

  “Did you stop by to see Aaron?” she asked.

  He nodded. “It looks like he’s doing well. He and his aunt seem to have bonded.”

  “He’ll have some scarring, physical as well as emotional, no doubt. But you’re right. I’ve spent some time with both of them and they appear to have formed a good relationship,” she agreed.

  They stared at each other again.

  “I, ah, was wondering if you wanted to go to dinner this week. Now that the boys are gone and I have a couple of days off,” he finally spoke.

  Jesse felt her heart rate kick up at the thought. She wanted to say “yes,” she really did. But her phone beeped and she glanced down at a new text message. From Abigail. “Is David in your office? Is he asking you out?”

  Her conversation with Kit a few weeks ago floated through her mind. What did she really want? She’d given it some thought, but looking at David sitting so close, she suddenly knew exactly what she wanted. Of course, asking for it was a whole different story.

  She rose from her seat and paced over to the window.

  “That doesn’t look good.” His tone was dry, but not altogether put off by her lack of enthusiasm.

  “It’s not that. It’s not what you think,” she said, looking at her view of the parking lot.

  “I’m equal parts curious about what you think I think and what it really is.”

  She turned and faced him. His expression was wary, but there was also a hint of something more. Something that made her think she should watch her step and try to be as brutally honest as she was capable of being. Because, the way he was eyeing her, he didn’t look like he was at all above crossing the room and just taking what she was sure they both wanted if he sensed the opportunity. She took a step back.

  “I’m not saying I’m not interested,” she started.

  “But?”

  “But it’s complicated.” That sounded lame, ev
en to her. She held up a hand to stop the comment that she saw forming on his lips. A comment that she had not doubt would not be all that sweet.

  “My life is busy. Really busy. I know you know what I’m talking about. So it’s not that I don’t want to be with you . . .” Her voice trailed off.

  “What is it you do want, Jesse?” He stood and walked toward her but stopped several feet away.

  She shook her head and looked down at the floor.

  “Tell me,” he pressed.

  She bit her lip and hazarded a look at him. Predatory did not begin to cover his expression.

  “I’m not sure I can,” she managed to say.

  “Because you don’t know or because you don’t want to tell me?”

  “Because it’s so against my nature and I’m afraid I’ll sound like a complete bitch, not to mention that there’s a chance I might remind you of Miranda’s mother.”

  That seemed to give him pause and he frowned. “You’re not a thing like Miranda’s mother and I doubt anything you could ever say would change that.”

  He seemed so sincere that it was now or never. So she dove in before she had the sense to stop herself. “What if I said I want a relationship, but not one anyone knows about?”

  “Keep it a secret?”

  “Sort of.”

  “Sort of?” He had the gall to quirk a little grin.

  “Look, I told you it’s crazy. I’m crazy to think it and it’s not at all fair. It’s just that a friend suggested I think about what I want, what I would really want from someone like you. Okay, what I would want from you,” she corrected when he his brows shot up.

  “And?” he prompted.

  “And it’s not very flattering to me.”

  “Try me.” He took the last few steps toward her and stopped just inches away. She couldn’t quite meet his eyes, but it wasn’t any better looking at his chest. Not when she had an urge to place the palms of her hands against it and feel his heart beat under them. She looked down at the floor again, but his fingers came up to her chin to tilt her head up, forcing her to meet his gaze.